


A Fool For The Holidays

by Fox_Salz



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, Gift Giving, Good Moirail Gamzee Makara, Holidays, Innuendo, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Post-Canon, Singing, inappropriate gifts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:27:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28402422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_Salz/pseuds/Fox_Salz
Summary: Karkat wants to spend the holiday with all his quadrants, and their various other quadrants. Because he's a goddamn idiot.
Relationships: Cronus Ampora/Karkat Vantas, Cronus Ampora/Porrim Maryam, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram, Porrim Maryam & Karkat Vantas
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	A Fool For The Holidays

**Author's Note:**

> Really this started because I love the image of Dave and Cronus remixing some Christmas songs together, and Karkat suffering.

It might have been sweet, his matesprit and kismesis throwing down sick holiday fire together, but it was Dave and Cronus so it was in fact far the fuck from it. Better descriptors would be vulgar, obnoxious, headache inducing, and the bane of his pitiful goddamn existence.

If he heard another verse of “I’ll be your whore for Christmas” he would scream until his gastric sac burst.

They’d been changing up the lyrics to both troll and human holiday songs to be more sexual, because of course they fucking were. His kismesis was a perverted and desperate gremlin, after all, while his matesprit was a Strider. It was their natural inclinations. Natural, and oh so goddamn obnoxious.

“I’ll be your whore for Christmas, you can pail on me!”

Karkat hissed, pulling at his own hair.

“Isn’t it so nice to see them get along,” Porrim chuckled, coming out of the nutritionblock with glasses of fresh eggnog. First she set some in front of the interspecies Abbott and Costello before coming over to Karkat. Leaning in she whispered, “There’s alcohol in ours.”

“You’re the only ray of light in this den of buffoonery and mayhem.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

She clanged her glass against his and they both took generous drinks. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing Karkat had ever drunken, and the texture made his tastelicker want to flee his mouth, but eggnog made his boyfriend happy so he’d gotten some. Booze helped immensely.

Dave and Cronus let out a loud cheer and started up a colorful rendition of Jingle Bells that included the lyrics “o’er the buckets we go moaning all the way”. Karkat’s eye twitched.

“At least they’re having fun,” Porrim remarked, patting his shoulder.

“I did this to my own damn self. I wanted to have a get together with all my quadrants and their other quadrants. Should have known better. Past me was a romantic fool.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Karkat. It was a sweet idea, and thank you again for inviting me.”

“Porrim, if you weren’t here I would actually be tearing out my own auditory clots before I went for their chirpboxes.”

“I couldn’t hold it against you, even if he is my moirail.” Suddenly there was the sound of a kazoo cutting through the air. Porrim grimaced. “Especially since he’s my moirail.”

Karkat clanked their glasses again and downed the rest of his eggnog. She shortly followed suit.

“Alright, shall we finish these decorations?”

“Might as well. I swear if we finish before that stupid clown and his stupider bulgechoking matesprit get here I will lose my mind.”

“Oh what fun it is to ride your bulge with legs spread so wide!”

“Mm, I don’t think you’ll last that long.”

Karkat groaned, dragging heavy fingers down his face. Porrim patted his shoulder before picking up the unhung stockings. With a deep, steadying breath he took half of them. Then he hissed as another verse started up, louder and lewder than before.

It was going to be a long night.

Ignoring the pair as best they could, Karkat and Porrim worked on the rest of the decorations starting with those stockings—homemade because he wanted to do this holiday merging _right_ , damn it. It was like trying to be productive during a natural disaster. Karkat did his best to persevere, but when he heard the lyrics—at top volume, of fucking course—“baby it’s cold inside my nook”, he let out a screech that hurt his own auditoryclots.

“Vwhat’s the matter, chief? Not havwing fun?” Karkat whirled on him, seething. Cronus just gave a smug little wave. “I’m havwing a blast.”

“You good for nothing nookstain! Goddamn sleazebag bastard who exists solely to torment me! My past self was a fool for letting you into my life, and even worse—into my hive!”

“Yet I hear no regret for letting me into your concupiscent platform, interesting.”

Karkat hissed and made to lunge forward. He was jerked back after hardly a step, Porrim scruffing the back of his sweater like a pathetic meowbeast. He glared at Cronus instead who had the audacity to wink. _Wink_. Oh he wanted to claw those pretty boy lips right off him.

“You know, there’s still a few things to put up. It would go faster if we had a few more hands,” Porrim hinted.

“Awv, babe, vwe totally vwould, but vwe’re ovwer here cheering you twvo on! Motivwation through Christmas Perigee’s carols.”

“I swear to god, you lazy irresponsible jackasses, if you don’t get up and help I will—“

“Put you on the naughty list,” Porrim interjected, “and not the fun one.” Cronus started whining. Porrim, ever so much more patient for his antics than Karkat, remarked, “Good boys who help get kisses.”

Instantly the two were on their feet, the little bastards.

“I’ll remember this,” Karkat promised a grinning Dave. Unabashedly he just leaned in and pressed a kiss to Karkat’s cheek. He hated how much he instantly heated up; sure his face was red he covered it up with a dramatic hiss that had no affect on his matesprit.

“Vwhat about me?” Cronus asked almost as soon as Porrim pulled away from their kiss, the ungrateful lush.

“What about you?”

“Vwell ain’t I gonna get a kiss from you, too?”

“All you’ll get from me is kicked out of my hive if you don’t start helping. Porrim can stay, obviously.”

“My moirail vwouldn’t just leavwe me.”

“I don’t know,” Porrim mused, “Karkat does have eggnog and a delicious dinner planned.”

“You’re both so mean to me.”

“You deserve it,” Karkat replied, thrusting a stocking at him.

Cronus walked past him to the chimney. For a second smugness filled Karkat—then Cronus swooped in to quickly steal a kiss before hurrying out of his reach. Karkat swiped at him but only got air.

He swiveled on Dave as he let out a chuckle, just in time to see Porrim peck him on the cheek. She flashed him an almost apologetic smile.

“He was too cute to deny.”

“Chicks can’t resist the Strider charm, babe. Just like ants can’t resist a picnic. Instead of a snack I’m a delicious buffet to them.”

Pinching his cheek Porrim said, “Just precious. Now get to work.”

“You got it, boss ma’am.”

Dave even saluted before getting to decorating. Karkat was so angry he was numb.

Coming over and patting his shoulder Porrim told him, “Let’s leave these two to finish up while we check on that eggnog. Cronus, make sure to put that garland up properly.”

“Do good jobs get rewvards?”

“Don’t push your luck, baby. I can only do so much to keep your kismesis from hurting you. And if you get kicked out of his hive I won’t be sweet talking your way back in.”

His fins drooped sadly which only made Karkat feel better. He let himself be led to his own nutritionblock, thanking Porrim as she poured them fresh glasses of spiked eggnog. It was a refreshing reprieve. Until Cronus and Dave started up a filthy rendition of “Deck the Halls”.

“No one could blame me if I drugged them or knocked them out or _anything_ to just shut them up.”

“I have gags in my sylladex.”

Karkat was about to admire her preparedness but before a word could escape he heard the front door opening, followed by a, “Ho Ho Honk, motherfuckers!”

“How many gags do you have?”

“Plenty, don’t worry.”

“You’re the only one here who isn’t actively trying to shred my already tenuous grasp on sanity.”

“I was about to say they mean well, but I know my diamond. Speaking of,” she locked their arms and started leading him back out, “let’s go greet yours.”

“Sure, let’s go see all my mistakes in one basket.”

“That’s the holiday spirit.”

With a deep breath they entered the rumpusblock. Oh sweet fuck.

“What the absolute fuck is that atrocity you’re wearing?”

While Gamzee threw his arms up and yelled, “Best friend!” it was Tavros who gave an answer.

“Uh, I think they are called Christmas sweaters.”

Snarky fucking asshole. Karkat spared him a quick glare before focusing back on the holiday horror at hand. It was in fact a sweater, knit by evil and sadistic hands. Base color purple, with little faces all over the front. _Their_ faces. Dave had antlers, Gamzee’s horns were wrapped in tinsel with ornaments hanging from the tips, there was a string of lights going between Tavros’ horns, mistletoe was poised on top of Cronus’ hair poof while he made a kissy face, Porrim had a bow on her head like a gift, and finally there was Karkat. With an elf hat.

“Maryam, was this your doing?” he accused.

“I don’t knit nor do I even work with yarn.” She peered closer as Gamzee came over, tugging on the sweater. “Though I will say it looks like fine craftsmanship.”

“Rose Motherfucking Lalonde done made me this bitchtits miracle. Ain’t it all sorts of glorious?”

“It’s all sorts of painful is what it is,” Karkat snapped, making a mental note to exact revenge for this assault on his ganderbulbs.

The others came up, standing on either side of Gamzee.Their grins were obnoxiously wide.

“I like how everyone else is smiling and you’re just a tiny grumpy face,” Dave remarked, poking Gamzee in the stomach.

Gamzee slowly turned a twisted smile towards him, face darkening. For a split second Karkat thought he was going to have to do some emergency shoosh papping, but Cronus was already putting himself between them, hand framing his yarned visage.

“Hey hey, as fun as making fun of Karkat is, let’s focus on the most important thing here—me. Damn I look good evwen in yarn. Rose really captured my dashing good looks.”

Instantly Gamzee was all sincere smiles again, beaming at Cronus. No matter how many times Karkat witnessed this for himself he still found it astounding. The strange thing was, Cronus was actually a decent auspistice. Maybe it was that Ampora need to be the center of attention. Whatever it was, Karkat couldn’t help the spark of admiration.

Thankfully Cronus quickly ruined it.

“Vwhat do you say, chief? Vwanna givwe Lil Cro a kiss?”

He waggled his eyebrows and Karkat was very tempted to slap them off him. He actually might have if Gamzee hadn’t spoken up.

“I know we ain’t supposed to get our gift exchange on ‘til after dinner but I want y’all to open these now.”

Gamzee took out a few packages—that obviously weren’t wrapped by him because they looked decent—from from his sylladex and handed them out. While the others eagerly took theirs and opened them, Karkat stared in dread at his.

“I know what this is going to be and I’m already so fucking angry.”

“Aww don’t worry, my most best beloved, I know how you like your sweaters to fit and all informed her.”

“Oh good, thanks. Because that was the exact fucking hesitation I had here and not my already wounded dignity. Here let me just open it up—ah there it is, in all its garish glory. At least it’s in goddamn black. Gonna just put it on. Mm, fantastic. I can actually feel my pride bleeding out. Happy fucking holidays.”

“Happy motherfucking holidays!”

There was no fending off the gangly arms wrapping around him and lifting him off his feet. He couldn’t even protest, face smothered in that hideous sweater.

When he was sat down he was hot all over, and tugged at the fashion abomination he was only wearing to keep his moirail happy. Stupid tacky, mushy, clown. At least everyone was wearing one of these now. Looking stupid together was the greatest holiday tradition, after all.

“Alright enough of this bullshit, you two managed to come just in time to not help with decorations but still enjoy dinner.”

“We got, uh, caught up, in traffic.”

“What kind of traffic is out at this hour?” Dave wondered.

“And don’t you livwe like just a couple blocks ovwer?”

“Shut up, please, salted legume snack gallery.”

“Nah, best buddy,” Gamzee shamelessly piped up, looking pleased with himself, “we all lost track of time ‘cause I was sucking Tavbro’s b—“

“So, uh, do you need help setting the table?” Tavros quickly interjected, covering Gamzee’s mouth.

After a deep breath Karkat motioned Tavros to follow him and Porrim into the kitchen, trying to ignore the other two high-fiving and fist bumping his shameless moirail.

“Here, use these less expensive plates because I know they’ll end up broken—“ Oh sweet fuck, Gamzee was laying down beats for a remix of ‘My Lusus Got Run Over By A Culling Drone’, “possibly when I finally have a mental breakdown.”

“Then, uh, that will probably happen by the end of the night. So the cheap plates are a good call.”

“Not _cheap_ , you uncultured swine, just not my best set.”

Tavros hummed in a way that grated on Karkat, hairs on the back of his neck standing up in indignation. The caroling certainly didn’t help. Thankfully Porrim remained his solid holiday rock of sanity and kept him on track.

Dinner actually went fairly well. One incident of Cronus trying to goad Karkat into an argument about making a good hivespouse that Porrim quickly put a stop to. And then there was the attempt to start up a “holiday dinner slam poetry sesh”, but it didn’t get far when Karkat threatened to withhold dessert.

Dessert being a marble bundt cake with cream cheese icing. They all settled back in the rumpusblock, Karkat putting on some low _proper_ holiday music. Both songs from old Earth and Alternia. The less violent and classist ones. It seemed that some assholes had messed with his playlist, however, as their rendition of “Bulge in a Box” started up.

“I’m going to kill all three of you.”

“Not, uh, me too? I did the background vocals coming up.”

“Every moment with any of you—excluding Porrim—is an exercise in self harm and mental flagellation.”

“Love you too, babe,” Dave said, leaning over and pecking him on the cheek. Karkat gave a warning growl but Dave only nestled against his side. Reluctantly, Karkat wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer. Stupid adorable bastard.

Porrim, who was hand feeding her moirail, remarked, “You all sing very harmoniously together.”

“Don’t you fucking encourage them.”

“They don’t need encouragement for this.” There were several agreements. “Besides, it’s a holiday. At least everyone’s getting along.”

“I’d like it better if they didn’t.”

“Too bad for you, sugarspheres,” Cronus said leaning over and putting a hand on Karkat’s knee. He started pushing it up towards his thighs and Karkat quickly clamped his own hand over Cronus’, claws purposefully nicking skin.

“Keep going and I’ll make this a violet Christmas Perigee Night.”

“Vwink. _Ow ow ow_.”

Porrim pinched Cronus’ fin saying, “I’ve got him from here.”

Karkat removed the claws he’d sunk into the back of Cronus’ hand and Porrim pulled him back to her. As he petulantly rubbed his fin she got another forkful of cake.

When everyone was done eating Dave stood up and announced, “It’s time for presents. Karkles, I’ve got something real special for you. Something from the bottom of my heart.”

“If you try to serenade me with shitty innuendos and carols you will sleep on the lounge plank tonight.”

“Babe, I’ve got something else for you.”

He and Tavros worked on passing out gifts. Karkat couldn’t help being touched at seeing all his quadrants had gotten him something. Even if the thought of what that something could be filled him with dread.

Since Dave was insistent that Karkat open his first, them being matesprits and all—“top priority, bitches and Porrim”—Karkat picked up a modest box wrapped in red with a black ribbon. With careful fronds be plucked the ribbon and wrapping back. Then he opened the box and gently, reverently took out the same colored striped scarf.

“It’s pretty basic, but you wanted wanted some classic cultural exchanges, and what’s more classic than stripes, so I thought you’d appreciate it. Rose taught me how to make it. Naturally I had no problem, since Striders don’t even need to try to succeed, not even an issue where I accidentally sent a needle sailing into a mirror. Seven years bad luck don’t scare me, it’s cool.”

“Dave.”

“Yeah babe?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

“Okay.”

Dave leaned over slowly only for Karkat to grab him by the front of his shirt and pull him into a kiss. There was clapping and whistling, and Karkat blindly flipped them all off.

“So I guess you like it then,” Dave mused, dreamy tone to his voice and goofy smile on his face when they finally broke apart.

“Not bad, yeah.”

Karkat linked their fingers together, smiling back. God, he loved this man. Sappy, sweet. Underneath that cool veneer was a caring—

“Vwanna open my present next, chief?”

Karkat glanced over, scowling at the suggestive look he was getting.

“If your bulge is in that box—“

“I made sure he didn’t try that,” Porrim quickly assured. Cronus pouted.

“It vwould havwe been the best gift.”

“I’d have bitten it off,” Karkat promised.

“Kinky.”

Karkat hissed. All Cronus did was snicker and hand over his present. This time he was wary as he opened it up, carefully folding back the lavender tissue paper inside.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Don’t act like you aren’t into it. Last Friday says otherwvise.”

Leaning over to peer into the box Gamzee remarked, “Hell yeah, motherfucker, he’s all into that shit.”

Karkat buried his face in his hands with an anguished groan that was covered by the various whistles and laughter around him.

“Hey the cuffs have both your signs on it,” Dave noticed, sticking his face over in Karkat’s personal bubble and peeking into the box, too. “Cute.”

“Not another word, any of you.”

Completely ignoring him, Dave reached in and pulled out the _signed_ photograph. Whistling he remarked, “Damn, that’s a fat—mm!”

Karkat, who had slapped his hand over Dave’s mouth, snarled. Of course it was too late, and the others clearly saw.

“Oh my god, is that why you wanted me to take that photo?”

“Uh, you probably, should have guessed this was the why.”

“You’d be surprised how often he does this, actually.”

“I really, uh, don’t think I would be all that surprised.”

“Motherfucking nice, fishbro. Some good composition.”

Gamzee held up a hand for a high-five but as Cronus went for it Karkat shoved his flailing arms between them.

“Assholes don’t get accolades!”

If Karkat hadn’t regretted this shindig before he absolutely did now. He huffed and glowered at his guests to little affect. At least Porrim looked almost apologetic. Minus that little amused twitch of her lips.

Ah, the joys of holidays.

“Alright, my bestest beloved diamond motherfucker, I done got you one ‘nother fine ass goody ‘cause you all up and deserve it.”

“Please tell me it’s a noose.”

Gamzee whipped out a small envelope that rained glitter with every movement. With a heavy sigh and resignation that he’d never be able to get the glitter gone, Karkat took and opened it. His eyes practically bulged out.

“Are these what I think they are?” Gamzee just gave a delighted honk. “Holy shit. You actually _listened_ to me.”

“I always li—“ Karkat snapped a quick warning glare his way, “— _hear_ what a motherfucker be saying.”

Two tickets for a production of the troll classic “A Young Troll Receives A Wooden Toy Soldier and Quickly Falls In Love Even When It Breaks, and In Turn the Soldier—Which Has Come Alive—Protects Her From The Squeakbeast King, A Nefarious Creature That Turned Him Into A Toy To Begin With”. Tickets had sold out quickly so he hadn’t been able to snag any, so he’d done copious amounts of complaining and lamenting to his moirail over it. No wonder the sneaky bastard had hardly been smiling to himself like a giant dolt during that feelings jam. And here Karkat had just thought he hadn’t really been listening.

“Only the best for the wicked motherfucker who up and takes such good care of me.”

Gamzee tossed an arm around Karkat’s shoulder, nuzzling his cheek into Karkat’s hair with a happy chirp.

“I, uh, had to order the tickets. Since Gamzee is, uh, very much not adept at ordering online. Or many things, dealing with computers.”

“Can’t up and understand the intricacies of miracles, brother. That’s far above this clown.”

“You pitiful bastard,” Karkat sighed, snaking an arm around the big lug’s waist and squeezing.

For a moment Karkat basked in the glow of joy and love. Then Cronus opened his mouth and reminded Karkat about hate.

“I think it’s time for some more caroling.”

“Fuck yeah, fishbro.”

“I’ll lay us down the sick nastiest holiday beat.”

There was no stopping them. Karkat hissed and threatened, but it was drowned out. Defeated, he slumped back against the comfortslab and groaned.

“I’ll get us more eggnog,” Porrim said, patting his knee as she passed.

“Make mine a double. No, _triple_.”

“Mm, what a good idea.”

She disappeared into the nutritionblock, leaving Karkat surrounded by a rendition of “Twelve Sex Toys of Christmas”.

Ah, holidays.

He was going to eviscerate them all.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Years everyone!


End file.
